What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
😂💯
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life