The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
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Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”