Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
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“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
A double negative is a big no-no.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I found your tweet-up…
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants