If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
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Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
The glory of fall.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google