[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
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Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Always 🥴
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
choose your gary
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”