An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
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Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.