me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
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I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies