HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
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I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.