Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
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Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…