Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
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It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Siri: Retweet me.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
just left a huge legacy in there
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Ok but actually
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…