“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
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I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.