One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
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Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk