Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
You Might Also Like
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”