5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
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Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”