At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
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My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
A ghost story
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.