Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
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*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it