I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
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[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.