Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
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Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Meow
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.