Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
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The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.