legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
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Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.