Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
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If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
best first i’ve ever seen
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg