Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
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Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.