*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
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Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
The only equipped I am is ill.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.