yes… yes…
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I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Meat Cute
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.