how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
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You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.