*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
You Might Also Like
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
saving face 👀
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
i really liked this one
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore