Every work call, he judges.
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I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.