A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
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Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
.
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Squash
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Proofread twice, hang posters once
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.