The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
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People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?