What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
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[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
why does this building look like a guilty dog