My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
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Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
inventing words: clothing