Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
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i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.