Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
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Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.