Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
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i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!