When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
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video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter