Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
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My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
What number SPF blocks people?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app