I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
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Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Mornin
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.