Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
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Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.