Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
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“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
They did not think through this water fountain
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
oppen heimer style lol
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it