It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
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JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Not today. 😅