Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
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GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf