In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
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Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital