[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
You Might Also Like
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
❤️❤️❤️
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Lmao
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
*bites zombie*