5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
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ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
💁🏻♂️
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!