yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
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My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
God has left this place
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”