There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
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Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other