interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
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I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart