ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
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socratic questions
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Twitter is the new flypaper.