not seeing the problem
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I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.