Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
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my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
You are not alone 💚
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.